Hey sweet mama,
I need to have an honest conversation with you today about something that’s been heavy on my heart lately. If you have a pre-teen or teenager, you know that parenting shifts dramatically during these years. The child who used to run to you with every scraped knee and hurt feeling is now rolling their eyes at your suggestions and pushing for independence in ways that can feel scary and overwhelming.
Maybe you’re sitting there wondering where your sweet little one went, feeling like you’re failing because you can’t control or fix everything for them anymore. Perhaps you’re realizing that some of your anxiety about letting them grow up has more to do with your own past wounds than with their actual readiness for independence.
Sister, if that’s you today, I want you to know you’re not alone. Parenting teenagers while wrestling with our own childhood trauma or motherhood fears is one of the hardest things we’ll ever do. But God has so much grace and wisdom for us in this season, and there’s hope for both healing our hearts and raising children who love Jesus.
Let’s talk about what it looks like to parent with open hands, to seek help when we need it, and to address the wounds in our own hearts so we can love our children more freely.
The Shift: When Your Role Changes
First, let’s acknowledge what’s happening in this season of parenting. Your child is supposed to be pulling away from you. This independence-seeking, eye-rolling, “you-don’t-understand-me” phase isn’t a sign that you’ve failed – it’s a sign that they’re developing into the separate person God created them to be.
What the Bible Says About Growing Up
Proverbs 22:6 tells us to “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Notice it doesn’t say to control them or keep them dependent on us forever. Our job is to train them for independence.
1 Corinthians 13:11 reminds us that “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.” Growing up means leaving childish things behind – including childish dependence on us.
The goal of Christian parenting isn’t to raise children who need us forever. It’s to raise adults who love Jesus, make wise decisions, and can navigate life with the foundation we’ve given them.
The Beautiful and Terrifying Truth
Here’s what I wish someone had told me when my kids started this phase: Your child pulling away from you is actually a sign that you’ve done your job well. They feel safe enough to explore independence because you’ve given them a secure foundation.
But that doesn’t make it feel less scary or less like rejection when they’d rather talk to their friends than you, or when they question everything you’ve taught them.
The Struggle with Letting Go
Why It’s So Hard
Letting go of our pre-teens and teenagers is difficult for so many reasons:
We love them fiercely. We’ve spent years protecting them, and suddenly we’re supposed to step back and watch them make their own mistakes?
The world feels scary. There are genuine dangers out there – peer pressure, social media, dating relationships, academic stress, and spiritual challenges that we can’t shield them from anymore.
We’ve built our identity around being needed. For years, we’ve been their primary source of comfort, guidance, and problem-solving. When they don’t need us in the same way, we can feel lost.
We’re afraid they’ll reject our values. After years of teaching them about Jesus and right from wrong, watching them question or challenge those beliefs can feel terrifying.
When Our Fear Becomes Their Burden
Here’s where it gets tricky: sometimes our fear of letting go has more to do with our own wounds than with our children’s actual needs.
Our unhealed wounds can become our children’s prison.
Maybe you grew up with parents who were absent or neglectful, so you swing to the opposite extreme of hovering and controlling. Perhaps you made mistakes as a teenager that you’re terrified your child will repeat. Maybe you experienced trauma that makes the world feel more dangerous than it actually is.
When we parent from a place of fear rather than faith, we rob our children of the opportunity to develop their own relationship with God, their own decision-making skills, and their own sense of identity apart from us.
What Healthy “Letting Go” Looks Like
Letting go doesn’t mean abandoning our children or becoming permissive. It means shifting from control to influence, from protection to preparation.
Biblical Models of Letting Go
Hannah dedicated Samuel to the Lord and literally let him go to live at the temple as a young child. Her prayer in 1 Samuel 2 shows a mother who trusted God with her child’s future more than she trusted her own ability to control it.
The father of the prodigal son let his child leave and make his own mistakes, even knowing it would lead to pain. He didn’t chase after him or try to control the outcome – he waited with love and welcomed him home.
Mary had to watch Jesus leave home, face opposition, and ultimately die on the cross. She couldn’t protect him from his calling, even when it broke her heart.
Practical Ways to Let Go with Love
Shift from rules to relationship. Instead of trying to control every decision, focus on maintaining connection so they’ll want to come to you for guidance.
Ask questions instead of giving answers. “What do you think would be wise here?” is more effective than “Here’s what you should do.”
Give them age-appropriate choices. Let them experience natural consequences for small decisions so they can learn to make good choices about big ones.
Pray more, worry less. Channel your anxiety into intercession. God loves your child more than you do and has better access to their heart than you do.
Focus on character over behavior. We can’t control their choices, but we can continue to speak into their character and identity in Christ.
Trust the foundation you’ve laid. The years of bedtime prayers, Bible stories, and consistent love don’t disappear when they become teenagers.
Asking for Help: It Takes a Village
One of the hardest parts of parenting teenagers is feeling like we have to figure it all out alone. But God never intended for us to parent in isolation.
Biblical Community
Titus 2:3-5 describes older women teaching younger women how to love their children well. We need mentors who’ve walked this path before us.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 reminds us that “a cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” We need community around our families.
Galatians 6:2 calls us to “bear one another’s burdens.” This includes the burdens of parenting challenging seasons.
Who Can Help and How
Other parents who’ve been there. Find mothers whose teenagers turned out well and ask them how they navigated difficult seasons.
Professional counselors. There’s no shame in getting help for your child’s mental health, learning challenges, or behavioral issues. Sometimes an outside perspective can see things we’re too close to notice.
Youth pastors and mentors. Having other Christian adults speak into your teenager’s life can reinforce what you’re teaching at home.
Family therapists. If family dynamics are strained, a good family therapist can help everyone communicate better and heal relationships.
Support groups. Whether it’s a mom’s group, Al-Anon (for families affected by addiction), or other specialized support, you don’t have to walk this alone.
Overcoming Pride and Shame
Many of us resist asking for help because we feel like it means we’ve failed as parents. But seeking help is actually a sign of wisdom and love for our children.
Proverbs 27:6 says “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.” Sometimes we need people who love us enough to tell us hard truths about our parenting.
James 1:5 promises that if we lack wisdom, we can ask God for it. Sometimes He provides that wisdom through other people.
Proverbs 15:22 tells us that “plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.”
Addressing Our Own Trauma and Wounds
Here’s the part that many parenting books don’t talk about: sometimes the hardest part of parenting teenagers isn’t their behavior – it’s the way their growing up triggers our own unhealed wounds.
Common Wounds That Surface
Abandonment fears: If you were abandoned or neglected as a child, your teenager’s natural pulling away can feel like abandonment all over again.
Perfectionism: If you grew up in a home where love was conditional on performance, you might find yourself trying to control your teenager’s choices to avoid the shame of their failures.
Trauma from your own teenage years: If you experienced abuse, made serious mistakes, or felt unsupported as a teenager, watching your child navigate those years can bring up intense fear and pain.
Control issues: If you grew up in chaos, you might have learned that control equals safety. Parenting a teenager requires giving up control, which can feel terrifying.
People-pleasing: If your worth was tied to keeping others happy, having a teenager who’s sometimes angry or disappointed with you can trigger deep insecurity.
How Our Wounds Hurt Our Children
When we parent from our wounds instead of our healing, we can:
- Become overprotective and controlling
- Make our children responsible for our emotional well-being
- React to their normal development as if it’s a personal attack
- Project our fears onto situations that don’t warrant them
- Struggle to see our children as separate individuals with their own relationship with God
Our children weren’t meant to heal our childhood wounds or carry the burden of our unresolved trauma.
The Path to Healing
Acknowledge the wounds. You can’t heal what you won’t acknowledge. If your reactions to your teenager seem disproportionate, that’s often a sign that something from your past is being triggered.
Seek professional help. A good Christian counselor can help you process past trauma and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Do your own inner work. Journaling, prayer, reading books about healing, and working through past hurts is hard work, but it’s so worth it.
Practice self-compassion. You’re not a bad mother for having wounds. But you are responsible for addressing them so they don’t become your child’s burden.
Find safe people. Surround yourself with friends, mentors, or support groups where you can process your struggles without judgment.
Healing Prayers for Wounded Mothers
“God, I bring you the hurt from my own childhood. I don’t want to pass my wounds on to my children. Help me to see where my past is affecting my present parenting. Give me wisdom to seek help and the courage to do the hard work of healing. Show me how to parent from a place of love and faith rather than fear and control.”
“Father, I release my child to you. I trust that you love them more than I do and that your plans for them are good. Help me to let go of my need to control their path and instead trust you with their future. Give me peace as they grow up and away from me.”
“Jesus, you understand what it’s like to be misunderstood by family and to feel alone. Comfort me when my teenager pushes me away. Help me not to take their normal development personally. Give me the patience to love them through this season and the wisdom to know when to step back.”
Practical Strategies for This Season
Maintaining Connection
Regular one-on-one time. Even if it’s just driving them places, protect opportunities for conversation.
Show interest in their world. Learn about their music, friends, and interests without trying to control or judge.
Apologize when you mess up. Teenagers have a strong sense of justice. Owning your mistakes models humility and preserves relationship.
Respect their growing autonomy. Ask before giving advice. Knock before entering their room. Treat them with the respect you’d show an adult friend.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Non-negotiable values vs. preferences. Be clear about what’s truly important (respect, honesty, faith) vs. what’s just your preference (clothing style, music choice, room organization).
Natural consequences. Let them experience the results of their choices when it’s safe to do so.
Consistent expectations. Don’t change the rules based on your emotions or their moods.
Family meetings. Include them in decisions that affect the whole family. Give them a voice in family rules and expectations.
Supporting Their Faith Journey
Let them ask questions. Doubts and questions are often part of developing a personal faith rather than just inherited beliefs.
Share your own struggles. Let them see that following Jesus doesn’t mean having perfect faith or never struggling with doubt.
Connect them with other Christian adults. Sometimes they’ll receive truth better from a youth pastor, mentor, or family friend than from you.
Focus on relationship with Jesus, not religious behavior. Help them see faith as a relationship, not just rule-following.
When to Seek Professional Help
Sometimes the normal challenges of parenting teenagers cross the line into territory where professional help is needed:
For your child:
- Signs of depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts
- Substance abuse or dangerous behaviors
- Significant changes in personality or functioning
- Eating disorders or self-harm
- Persistent defiance or aggression
For you:
- Feeling overwhelmed or out of control most of the time
- Having panic attacks or severe anxiety about your child
- Feeling like you can’t stop controlling or checking up on them
- Recognizing that your past trauma is significantly affecting your parenting
- Persistent feelings of hopelessness about your relationship with your child
For your family:
- Communication has completely broken down
- There’s constant conflict and tension at home
- Family members are walking on eggshells around each other
- You feel like you’re losing your child and don’t know how to reconnect
Hope for the Journey
Sweet mama, I want you to hear this: this season is hard, but it’s not forever. Many of the women I know who have the closest relationships with their adult children went through incredibly difficult teenage years.
The child who’s pushing you away now may become your closest friend as an adult. The teenager who’s questioning everything you’ve taught them may come back to those truths with a deeper, more personal understanding.
God is not finished with your child’s story, and He’s not finished with your story as their mother.
What Lies on the Other Side
When we do the hard work of letting go and addressing our own wounds, beautiful things happen:
Our children develop their own authentic relationship with God instead of just following rules to please us.
They learn to make wise decisions because they’ve had practice making choices and experiencing consequences.
Our relationship with them becomes more genuine because it’s based on mutual respect rather than control and compliance.
We become more whole and healthy people as we address our own wounds and fears.
Our families experience more peace because we’re not constantly fighting against the natural process of growing up.
A Prayer for This Season
Father, this season of parenting feels so hard and so scary. I want to hold on tight to my child, but I know I need to let them go. Help me trust You with their future more than I trust my own ability to control their path.
Heal the wounds in my own heart that make letting go feel so threatening. Show me where my fears are about my past rather than their present. Give me wisdom to seek help when I need it and humility to receive it.
Help me parent from a place of faith rather than fear, love rather than control. When they push me away, remind me that they’re supposed to be growing up. When they question what I’ve taught them, help me trust that truth will win in the end.
Give them wise friends, godly mentors, and a personal encounter with You that doesn’t depend on me. Protect them from dangers I can’t see and guide them in ways I can’t manage.
And Lord, help me remember who I am apart from being their mother. Remind me of my identity in You and my purpose beyond parenting. Give me peace in this season of transition.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
You’re Not Alone
Dear friend, if you’re in the trenches of parenting a teenager right now, please know that you’re not alone. This is one of the hardest seasons of motherhood, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed, scared, or sad about the changes happening in your family.
It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to admit you don’t have all the answers. It’s okay to work on your own wounds while you’re still actively parenting. It’s okay to let go even when it scares you.
Your child needs you to be brave enough to let them grow up, wise enough to seek help when you need it, and healthy enough to address your own wounds so they don’t become theirs.
You were chosen to be their mother for this exact season, including all the challenges it brings. God has equipped you for this journey, and His grace is sufficient for every hard day, every difficult conversation, and every moment when you have to choose love over control.
The teenager who’s challenging you right now is still the child God entrusted to your care. They still need your love, your prayers, and your faith in who they’re becoming – even when they seem to be rejecting everything you’ve taught them.
Keep showing up. Keep praying. Keep loving. Keep letting go.
And keep trusting the God who loves your child even more than you do.
Here’s to brave mothers who love with open hands,
Michelle
P.S. If you’re struggling with past trauma that’s affecting your parenting, please consider reaching out to a Christian counselor. Taking care of your own heart isn’t selfish – it’s one of the greatest gifts you can give your children.
